femmeow

summer daze

an orange moon, a purple sky,
all i see are majestic lies.
my minds high, but i just lie back
and enjoy the infinite line
of happy, sad, let ease, and try.

this is complete peace of mind
you want mine?
to catch sign of my tranquil spine.
to catch that inebriation enough
to comb through the purple sky.

 to lose control but bind to earth
and see purple smear the moon
no longer orange but streaks of gold
spun to one
like dreams cocooned.

an iridescent sky i see
a heavy body i cannot flee
arms out i feel my spirit lift
like my mind in the sky
i float adrift

desaturation

a flat plane of blue
so colorless, so cold
like a piece of outstretched tin 

this is the summer sky i see?
oh, a reflection
of my own character 

not mild, but passive
not strong, but aloof
the worst of the best

desaturation
lacking liberation
cuts and laceration
but no fascination

just walking forth
with my back front
facing present
more past
but feeling numb

desaturation

I Need Feminism because…

I want to genuinely find equality. I want to stop finding men as better or worse than women, but rather find them as my equal. 

compiling all my thoughts onto this blog

june 8 2011

i can’t help but feel like i’m living everyday without meaning.

it’s honestly so sad how i constantly revert back to this negative nancy attitude even when things are perfectly great. it’s as if i can’t ever be satisfied; i always find the worst in things and i’m never content with the way things are.

beneath all the superficiality, what’s left? sadly nothing. i feel like none of us truly have any more substance; i’m sure this is easily proven wrong, but i just haven’t seen it lately.

i dont even really know what i’m saying to be completely honest. i just feel bored with life. i’m looking for something, but i don’t know what i’m looking for and i have no direction. stupid things excite me and i realize they’re all worthless in the end, so that exciting thing then fades to nothing. i just feel numb…empty and numb simultaneously.

i dig deeper only to find myself deeper in some abyss. some unexplainable force of negativity and i’m just left to live and die miserably.

the act of living is useless.. life becomes of no value…and death becomes nothing more important than this short moment in life that ironically impacts it the most and ends it. we go on in this universe to meet our inevitble decay. we are decomposing creatures.

whatever, i’m just a cynic.

peace out

i would hate to say emotions defeated me. the very component that i once possessed, held me captive instead.

One person you can trust and why?

It’s so hard to answer this question honestly without typing out a long redundant response. To be short and simple, I will say myself; because in the end, it is only me who knows what I truly want, feel, and need. It is only me that understands what I value. It is only me that will truly fight for what I need if I really do want it. I believe without dependence, trust is not entirely existent. I trust people to a certain extent, but I cannot fully depend on people - and with that, I cannot fully trust anyone, but myself. I am not saying I don’t ever disappoint myself, but it’s the fact that it is so much easier coping with my own faults than breaking down my walls to invest time and effort in to trusting another person. I just find myself disappointed and consequently grudgingly bitter towards that person that let me down. 

SENSE OF PLACE

 

            I make a left down the street and see people flooding out of the small door, each person peeping over another’s shoulders to be a part of the live music. I tilt my head up and see a ripped sign that says “PB&J.” The beats vibrate each wall and even make its way around that slight turn before I enter the venue.  Boom, boom, boom.

 

            I realize that it is an open room for local bands to play in. It looks like a small rectangular box that feels cramped and reeks of alcohol - nothing short of a hot mess.  I squeeze my way in, bumping every body from outside to the squished corner. It seems as though I’m trapped between four dirty white walls with a small bench in the back that people use to stand up on instead of sit down on. I look at my feet and see several beer stains on the carpet. But, I gradually begin to see the grime as a part of PB&J’s personality. I can hear the amplified bass beating through my entire body, slowly finding myself jumping to the songs with sweaty strangers.

 

            There are white twinkle lights intertwined with sparkling blues, reds, and greens, hung all around the ceiling, adding to the charm of this little place. The humidity of the room almost feels as if it is fogging up the air and the lights blur and continue to twinkle on. The effervescent crowd mush together and dance. The lights have a flickering effect, but radiantly glow nonetheless. The atmosphere is sticky and hazy. The once apparent smell of inebriation transforms into a sweet fragrance alluring my olfactory nerves.

           

            The small room becomes an infinite space with dynamic energy. The idea of its compactness adds more than it takes away - it pushes all my senses together immediately creating a high level of intimacy within myself and with others around me.

 

            I would shoot this location beginning with a far shot to show a large group of people standing outside. I would then have a mid-range shot taken right outside the door to get a peek of the inside in contrast to the vastness of the outside. Once I get inside, I would take several shots jumping with the people, which would create the sense of both motion and space as the tight bodies all around move together. Moreover, I would want to capture the ambience of the area by tilting the camera slightly upward, high enough to get the sense of lights but low enough to see bopping heads. Lastly, I would also frame some very close up shots of the musicians and their connection to the instrument to mimic the effect of auditory sense through visual imagery.

                                            Society’s Detrimental Restrictions

            Society creates a mold of what is acceptable and what is not; thus, it is difficult to achieve genuine satisfaction with life when there are many restrictions imposed upon us. It lies within this concept that the majority is correct even when that is not always the best solution. However, because of differences in time and changing attitudes of each generation, the bounds of restriction and freedom that society sets fluctuate through various eras. In The Hours by Michael Cunningham, three women of different periods explore the limitations and freedoms that society and time presents.

            The setting of Woolf’s time in the 1920’s, portrayed in The Hours, appears to be that of one in which psychology was first being carefully developed. However, because the study of psychology just began to emerge, a distinct restriction was set on society and their perception of art; Woolf’s creative mind became mistaken as a case of insanity. As a possible “remedy” to cure her of her “insanity”, society stripped her of her joys - the busy streets of London and her freedom to write. While they took away the factors they thought to be the contributions of her craziness, they only drove her deeper into madness as they confined Woolf in a realm of emptiness. The very things that kept her alive and functional were taken away. The people of her time were not ready for such a brilliant mind as her work and being did not fit the conventions of her period. Yet, who is to say that what is conventional is correct or acceptable? The limit of her freedom and her artistic expression drilled her into an inescapable corner, in which she sunk into a state of depression; society, with its need for conformity to achieve normality, fulfilled the exact thing they hoped to avoid by trapping Woolf - madness by depression and negligence.

            As time progresses thirty years, a similar restriction is set upon Laura Brown, as she struggles to satisfy the perfect, “happy-go-lucky,” 1950’s family mold. Brown appears to feel trapped as she lives in a superficial world; there is a lack of genuine connection between her, her husband, and her child. The pressures of her society to constantly appear collected and content dig her deep into a hole of numbness. She cannot help but feel nothing in all these shallow facades, showing her family, neighbors, friends, and peers, that she is nothing but a nice house wife who lives to please her family. Her emptiness is especially evident when her husband tries to recount their first meeting to their son, but she refuses to hear about it. A moment that is held dear and special by many couples appears to make Brown cringe, as she feels no intimate love with her partner. Brown yearns to feel any emotion, but has trouble doing so when there is only one feeling that society seems to find acceptable - an artificial sense of happiness. Because of this, she looks to escape and jump from this realm through an act of suicide; her time’s pressures of perfection guide her onto a path of madness, as she cannot handle forcing herself into a mold that does not fit. Although she does not follow through with her plan to die, she runs to Canada to find a different future than one that is expected of her. The restrictions created by her era push her further back from the image of happiness they try to obtain, as she searches for genuine emotion and breaks from such ideal standards of her period.

            In contrast to the previous two characters, Clarissa Vaughan, living in our present day, fulfills every opportunity to express liberation and ends up quite conventional and sane. She has the freedom to love another woman, without the harsh criticism of her peers. Living the way she wishes allows her to take on any chance to maximize her happiness. Unlike Woolf and Brown, Vaughan does not lack the ability to truly absorb the fulfilling simplicities of life. In this modern time, where the past has developed many concepts and fought for the numerous liberties we have today, we are fortunate to live as we desire. Because of Vaughan’s open freedoms to do however she feels, she not only experiences authentic happiness, but she also presents herself as the modern day heroine. Defying the age-old idea of women’s inferiority to men, she takes pride in her female power, carrying on a lesbian relationship with her partner, guiding her daughter, taking care of a past lover, all while planning a grand party. Exploring all the possibilities to make each minute of her time valuable, she does not get neglected by society, but rather applauded for her skill in living such a balanced, yet exciting life. With society interfering less with the lines of what is acceptable and what is taboo, we have greater options in achieving true satisfaction.

            As the world imposes less on our personal lives and provides us the freedom to be however we want, we feel less pressured to be deemed acceptable and have more time to focus on our individual goals of authentic happiness. Because times of the past are limited to what they know only of their specific time, they are helpless in aiding those who are unconventional fragments of their world. With diversity censured and civilization’s comfort in regulating normality, Woolf and Brown suffer the limitations of their period, in contrast to the free spirited Clarissa Vaughan of the open world today. 

Compare and Contrast Countess Lamsdorf to La Berceuse

During the nineteenth century, a wide arrange of differences began to emerge in the arts as artists either retained more traditional styles or broke away and explored new styles. These new styles contributed to the artist’s way of communicating specific messages through their paintings. Both Winterhalter’s Countess Lamsdorf, created in 1859, and Van Gogh’s La Berceuse, created in 1889, are of female portraits; but Winterhalter, painting in the academic style, displays an idealized image, uplifting a high woman in society while Van Gogh, painting in the post-impressionistic style, captures the maternal essence of the cradle rocker. Each artist illustrates the women’s roles in society, but convey the women’s positions in individual ways through brushwork, color, and composition.

        The artists skillfully utilize brushwork to emphasize personal qualities of the women. Winterhalter confines himself to the methods of academicism, concealing any visible evidence of brush strokes. The delicate process of how Winterhalter applies his paint to the canvas is easily seen through the wrinkles in Count Lamsdorf’s dress and the lace material in her sleeve. The audience cannot help but be overwhelmed by her beauty and wealth as the invisible brush strokes lead the viewer to solely focus on the woman and her image rather than the way she was created. In contrast, Van Gogh, loosens up his brush work and outlines his figure in a strong contour line. However, the harsh outline is softened by the tashes of paint that flow with its movement, as the slightly angled vertical of her arm is mimicked with shorter vertical brush strokes and the roundness of her lower body is mimicked with shorter curvilinear bush strokes. The collection of brushstrokes become a texture themselves against the patterned floral wallpaper, making the woman and her environment one, unlike Countess Lamsdorf who clearly looks set apart from an artificial backdrop. Consistent in technique, Van Gogh uses strokes that fit within the outlined frame of the face that lead into the lines of her hair. All the strokes in the painting bring volume and weight to her figure and a bumpy texture to her face, showing the woman as she truly is, round and blemished, but undoubtedly genuine in portrayal. His animated brush strokes add to the calm figure as they bring life and energy to the still woman and almost vibrate to the movement of the soft rocking; thus though her image does not meet the standards of ideal beauty, the viewer can connect to the actual life of her presence and see the woman in her setting as a cradle rocker. This stylized nature that ironically demonstrates the woman’s authenti­­­­­c character is reversed in Winterhalter’s work. While Winterhalter’s technique achieves a realistic touch, its perfect conditions reflect an idealized figure, as the sophisticated woman looks like a polished statue. This sets a stark difference in class between the subject and viewer, as the woman is almost too perfect for such commoners. He effectively communicates Countess Lamsdorf’s luxurious life as a high-class female, making the viewers idolize her rather than identify with her. With such precision and close attention to every detail, he mimics the reflective quality in her dress and hair, the light quality of the meshed lace, and creamy quality of her skin. Winterhalter masterfully achieves the look of opulence, appealing to multiple senses, as the audience can visually touch and feel the dainty fabrics and soft complexion. With the brushwork, the painters show not only their individualized styles, but also textures that help the audience understand the central characters.

Moreover, the artists use colors in very distinct ways to describe the women in their social settings and placements in the pieces. In Winterhalter’s piece, the artist’s color palette is filled with almost every hue, but appears limited, as most of his colors are lowly saturated and collectively lean towards a warmer temperature, making the picture feel glazed with a yellow tint.  He does, however, create a dynamic relationship with foreground and background through the color’s contrasts in value. Countess Lamsdorf’s overall lit appearance in her very light pink skin and off white gown makes it apparent that she is spatially closer to the front, establishing her importance; while the backdrop, filled with dark specks of red that are close to black, falls behind her. Yet, this is not the case in La Berceuse as Van Gogh limits his color palette to the red and green complementary pair but play off its many variants. Van Gogh emphasizes the woman’s presence by setting off her green outfit from the red-brown chair and highly chromatic red carpet. He uses color to expose this anonymous woman’s maternal aura, as she is clothed completely in green, the color commonly being associated with life. With green’s suggestive peace inducing effect, her outfit perfectly fits her role as one who lulls a child to sleep.  Like Van Gogh, Winterhalter, too, takes into consideration the color relationship on the woman’s clothes. The purple fabric detail in Countess Lamsdorf greatly contrasts with the ivory dress and pale peach flesh, catching the viewer’s attention and leading the viewer to look at the woman first before noticing her backdrop. Winterhalter does this to get the intention of his piece across – to elevate her status and show the audience and the world that Countess Lamsdorf is admirable and of great importance. Because the backdrop is meant to look painted and flat instead of appearing as an actual garden, it is comprised mostly of dark hues. The green leaves and red flowers, though completely opposite, work differently from Van Gogh’s piece, as they blend together to neutralize the other’s hue. The murky result is a mixture of red, brown, and green that fades away to the back and pushes the figure to the front. With extreme contrasts in values and hue dispersed evenly throughout, Van Gogh almost merges the background and foreground space together. The light orange face of the woman in La Berceuse sparkles in the similar manner that the red-outlined pink flowers do in the dark green wallpaper, as her head pops from the surrounding green of the background and her shirt.  This motif, most strongly identified by the color placement, builds upon the idea that the woman is very much tied to her setting. She does not stick out as an individual source of significance like the Countess, but rather flows in with her surroundings. The general public can immediately empathize with the woman, feeling and understanding her motherly quality, which confirms her ordinary status in society – she is no better or worse than anyone in the audience. The lack of spatial depth and unification of woman to environment emits a serene energy, giving the viewer an easy entrance to the painting to feel close to her – much different from the insecurity the viewer feels looking at the countess. Van Gogh successfully channels the whimsical concept of a lullaby in the rhythm of the bopping flowers and head and consolidated space through the manipulation of his reds and greens. The artists powerfully manipulate their colors to show the viewers what they want the audience to perceive of the women.

In addition, the artists work with a particular composition to create a relationship between the women in the paintings and the viewers looking at them. In Countess Lamsdorf, Winterhalter places the woman in the center with her head turned to the front, having her confront the viewer. Her poise and direct gaze are proof of her aristocratic background and unarguable significance as her privileged life allows her to face front without controversy, despite being a woman of the nineteenth century. She appears confident, proper, and well educated, sitting elegantly with book in hand; this entire portrait works in one direction to underline her status as a high societal female. The audience looks to her and apperciates her, feeling a sense of awe being in her presence. This differs greatly from Van Gogh’s intent as the artist appropriates the worm’s eye view from Japanese woodblock prints in his post-impressionistic painting. It is almost as if the audience is the invisible complement to the painting as the tipped perspective places the visitor in a baby-like position looking up at the motherly lady. As the post-impressionists painted what they saw, Van Gogh does not incorporate rigidly planned linear perspective and instead emulates the feeling of being a child in bed or a short toddler tilting their head to look up. This idea is also supported by the way Van Gogh cuts off his composition so that the rope, which rocks the cradle, falls beyond the bottom edge of the canvas. The wide lower body and small head creates a major triangular composition that leads upwards, also adding to the feeling of being a child looking up. Furthermore, the artists work with the figures’ relationship to the space around them. With Countess Lamsdorf taking up an equal amount of space as her background, the painting holds a size balance that shows the stability of the academic style and also stops the viewer from being distracted by anything but her prominence. Van Gogh uses the woman to take up much of her picture plane, creating not a domineering effect, but rather a sense of coziness and intimacy, developing her motherly personality seen through her nurturing task of calmly leading the child to sleep. Through the way they place and size the figure, the artists control the way the audience understand the women.

­Though both artists paint portraits of a single woman in the nineteenth century, their approaches and intents differ tremendously, producing two completely unique works of art. Winterhalter’s meticulously planned and well drafted academic painting justifies the portrait’s mere objective in heightening Countess Lamsdorf’s image and idealizing the sophisticated aristocrat, while Van Gogh’s musical post-impressionistic painting gives a deeper look to the woman’s personality and peacefulness of her task. In their specific ways of painting, Winterhalter and Van Gogh take full advantage of their strokes, colors, and composition, to better express the attributes and personalities of the women being portrayed.